Otis

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This is Otis, Short for Otis Redding, one of Matthew and I's favorite relaxation artist to put on the record player when it's time to chill out.

Yes, everyone thinks I am crazy for adopting Otis, he is a one year old, rescue from a reservation in New Mexico, he was about 30 pounds under weight, and I think We stacked on 5 pounds so far. He is a love bug for sure, sometimes he just realizes that he has a home and people and food, he gets so excited. I am happy he is apart of our home now. There was just something about his handsome face I couldn't live without. 

Here are some iPhone pictures from the last few weeks of having Otis. 

1. The night we got Otis. Can you stand that face?!

2. This is how he naps. He is such a mellow dog for never having a home before.

3. This was also the night we got him, he was hugging me! Melting now...

4. This was about a week into having him, he was experiencing toys for the first time, he plays by himself which is awesome for us, and also very entertaining. 

5. Oh the first trip to Matt's record store... Izzy, my pup for 8 years, is a store regular and can just hang all day and be with Mattew. Otis will get there eventually, but he's not quite ready, but I couldn't leave without documenting the moment. 

6. Thanksgiving day walks, to take the turkeys out to make them tired before we spent the day at Matthew's families house. 

Any tricks on a no pull dog walking would be awesome and greatly appreciated :)

Love and thanks to you all. 

XO

( if you don't know who Otis Redding is... listen.)

Pumpkins.

We had the best date ever at the pumpkin patch of 2013, but this year we went late in the seasons, we were hungry, the pumpkins were rotten, and I got a bug in my tights. But we are still here, still smiling, and it's all good that the pumpkin patch wasn't the same. I still love him the same.

Worth.

I just wrote an explanation of why I haven't been writing, which has to do with myself being sick, and explaining how with illness, comes medications, which then comes with side effects of medications...but I decided to press delete. I don't owe anyone an explanation of why I've been where I have been the last year even though I feel like I owe everyone that. I didn't write because I didn't know what to say, or when I did, I was too numb to move, or even think of the words.


I am on my way to being better, trying to have only positive people in my life, positive things, positive jobs, but most importantly a positive mind set.


I am so entirely thankful for my family as they have seen me in every color I can be, and still love me everyday. And then there is the man I wake up to in the morning. Gosh, if he wasn't an answered prayer, I wouldn't know what would be. He is my rock, he is the master of forgiving, he is never bitter, and always thinks I'm beautiful. We fight, we laugh, we cry, but my favorite thing is that we grow. We are always growing, we are always learning, and I couldn't want or need more from a relationship.


Now for the use of my camera in the past few months has been on a decline. But I'm getting into the groove, wishing I was a blog superstar and had a pretty blog layout and fun things to write about but the realness of the situation is I am a struggling college student with one more year to go, a young woman with a mild panic disorder (or a control freak you tell me), and an aspiring person who just wants to be back in control of my health, my happiness, and the love I allow myself to receive.


I have been meeting with this woman a professor recommended me to who use to suffer from crippling anxiety. Her name is Bibbe, and the moment we met, her cute bangs, her dark reading glasses that shift on her face as she moves, and her long red fingernails, I knew we would be life friends and there is a reason for our souls meeting.

We met over Skype, which is such a strange concept for me to grasp, but we talked for almost 2 hours our first talk and I mentioned something, and she reached out to give me a 'hug' and it was the first time I really just felt like someone got it, they understood the fact I don't like the way I feel so I hold myself back so I don't push myself too hard, and when I am around too many people for awhile, I need days to recoup.  I want to share what I have been learning with her, and what I will learn with her, to mainly I have a place to have it all, but secondly so maybe if someone ends up reading this out of fait, they will feel like I get it, I understand.


The first thing I learned I that I have total control, I can decide to make my breathing go back to a normal speed, or let go of the "what ifs" or "how it was supposed to be" but the most important thing she told me is that I am worth it. I am worth being happy, and free of this weird road block in my brain.

Worth. I am on the road to feeling like I am worthy.




P.S. This is a shot of Bibbe. She is fabulous.

What I see.

I wish my blog was updated/ I knew how so I could make these pictures shine.

PS isn't my Grandmother the cutest thing ever? And to top it off her name is Shirley Ann. Sweet as pie.

Little Cute Friends

YAY for little crafty projects that make me forget the winter blues for a few minutes.

It's not what I imagined. At all.

It's not what I imagined. At all.


This is something I have been hearing over and over in my life as of late. It's something I catch myself making a mental tally of how many time I hear that statement from people around me. To me, I don't really understand. I don't understand why people expect things to ever going their way. I guess maybe it is those certain people who have, I don't want to say it but I will, who have been spoon fed just about everything in their life. I guess there are humans out there who have had a particularly easy go at life, had their plans pan out perfectly and then there's me. This isn't a pitty party, I don't mind that things never work out exactly how I want them too, because usually I underestimate how things will work out. But I will say I have always had an up hill climb, with the best support system, but it's always been tough for me. I was forced into a really harsh reality very early on that my brain is a little more... mature in it's thinking. I've been faced with a lot of turmoil, (it's okay... just the circle of life) but non the less, those events have rushed the specialness naive reactions of a child, to be gone since I can remember.


So here I am, almost 22, and I hear about people stepping into real world adult life (for their first time) and then they go "It's just NOT how I expected it to be." I want to laugh! What did you THINK it was going to be? What did you expect adult situations to be like? It's not like an episode of friends where things work out for the audience to "aw" at the end. Yes, life always does work out, but some times it definitely goes in the opposite way you "planned" it to be.


I guess this is why I get a little weary at the site of people wanting to rush the process. The process of marriage, and families, the process of in-laws, and finding your own health insurance etc. All the power to the people who have the means to actually get involved in such adult acts, I honestly wish that was where I was at, but I don't understand the mind set of not expecting everything to be rainbows and butterflies when I am there. I think people underestimate the WORK it takes to get married, not just with your partner, but with that persons family, and your family, and the ups and downs life promises you from day one.

This statement has been around me with people entering schools, or new jobs, not just new relationships, but I guess my mind has been built to be a little more expectant on the ups and downs of life. I just wish people would stop expecting things, and just let things flow.

Disease

When the disease I have seeps back in my head, I got out in the middle of the night and felt the bitter cold on my cheeks. I used to make a habit out of it, every night I would sneak outside go to this over looking bench of my home town and sit. I would sit for hours, numb, feeling nothing in my mind, nothing in my heart, and the only thing that I felt okay being numb were my fingers and toes. I didn't shiver, I didn't bundle up, I would hope I would fall asleep in the cold, and not wake up. But it never happened, so thus I would sneak back out and go to that bench.


Today I found myself sitting in the cold, with the wind on my cheeks, and I closed my eyes.


I just am so tired.