Otis

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This is Otis, Short for Otis Redding, one of Matthew and I's favorite relaxation artist to put on the record player when it's time to chill out.

Yes, everyone thinks I am crazy for adopting Otis, he is a one year old, rescue from a reservation in New Mexico, he was about 30 pounds under weight, and I think We stacked on 5 pounds so far. He is a love bug for sure, sometimes he just realizes that he has a home and people and food, he gets so excited. I am happy he is apart of our home now. There was just something about his handsome face I couldn't live without. 

Here are some iPhone pictures from the last few weeks of having Otis. 

1. The night we got Otis. Can you stand that face?!

2. This is how he naps. He is such a mellow dog for never having a home before.

3. This was also the night we got him, he was hugging me! Melting now...

4. This was about a week into having him, he was experiencing toys for the first time, he plays by himself which is awesome for us, and also very entertaining. 

5. Oh the first trip to Matt's record store... Izzy, my pup for 8 years, is a store regular and can just hang all day and be with Mattew. Otis will get there eventually, but he's not quite ready, but I couldn't leave without documenting the moment. 

6. Thanksgiving day walks, to take the turkeys out to make them tired before we spent the day at Matthew's families house. 

Any tricks on a no pull dog walking would be awesome and greatly appreciated :)

Love and thanks to you all. 

XO

( if you don't know who Otis Redding is... listen.)

Pumpkins.

We had the best date ever at the pumpkin patch of 2013, but this year we went late in the seasons, we were hungry, the pumpkins were rotten, and I got a bug in my tights. But we are still here, still smiling, and it's all good that the pumpkin patch wasn't the same. I still love him the same.

Worth.

I just wrote an explanation of why I haven't been writing, which has to do with myself being sick, and explaining how with illness, comes medications, which then comes with side effects of medications...but I decided to press delete. I don't owe anyone an explanation of why I've been where I have been the last year even though I feel like I owe everyone that. I didn't write because I didn't know what to say, or when I did, I was too numb to move, or even think of the words.


I am on my way to being better, trying to have only positive people in my life, positive things, positive jobs, but most importantly a positive mind set.


I am so entirely thankful for my family as they have seen me in every color I can be, and still love me everyday. And then there is the man I wake up to in the morning. Gosh, if he wasn't an answered prayer, I wouldn't know what would be. He is my rock, he is the master of forgiving, he is never bitter, and always thinks I'm beautiful. We fight, we laugh, we cry, but my favorite thing is that we grow. We are always growing, we are always learning, and I couldn't want or need more from a relationship.


Now for the use of my camera in the past few months has been on a decline. But I'm getting into the groove, wishing I was a blog superstar and had a pretty blog layout and fun things to write about but the realness of the situation is I am a struggling college student with one more year to go, a young woman with a mild panic disorder (or a control freak you tell me), and an aspiring person who just wants to be back in control of my health, my happiness, and the love I allow myself to receive.


I have been meeting with this woman a professor recommended me to who use to suffer from crippling anxiety. Her name is Bibbe, and the moment we met, her cute bangs, her dark reading glasses that shift on her face as she moves, and her long red fingernails, I knew we would be life friends and there is a reason for our souls meeting.

We met over Skype, which is such a strange concept for me to grasp, but we talked for almost 2 hours our first talk and I mentioned something, and she reached out to give me a 'hug' and it was the first time I really just felt like someone got it, they understood the fact I don't like the way I feel so I hold myself back so I don't push myself too hard, and when I am around too many people for awhile, I need days to recoup.  I want to share what I have been learning with her, and what I will learn with her, to mainly I have a place to have it all, but secondly so maybe if someone ends up reading this out of fait, they will feel like I get it, I understand.


The first thing I learned I that I have total control, I can decide to make my breathing go back to a normal speed, or let go of the "what ifs" or "how it was supposed to be" but the most important thing she told me is that I am worth it. I am worth being happy, and free of this weird road block in my brain.

Worth. I am on the road to feeling like I am worthy.




P.S. This is a shot of Bibbe. She is fabulous.

What I see.

I wish my blog was updated/ I knew how so I could make these pictures shine.

PS isn't my Grandmother the cutest thing ever? And to top it off her name is Shirley Ann. Sweet as pie.

Little Cute Friends

YAY for little crafty projects that make me forget the winter blues for a few minutes.

It's not what I imagined. At all.

It's not what I imagined. At all.


This is something I have been hearing over and over in my life as of late. It's something I catch myself making a mental tally of how many time I hear that statement from people around me. To me, I don't really understand. I don't understand why people expect things to ever going their way. I guess maybe it is those certain people who have, I don't want to say it but I will, who have been spoon fed just about everything in their life. I guess there are humans out there who have had a particularly easy go at life, had their plans pan out perfectly and then there's me. This isn't a pitty party, I don't mind that things never work out exactly how I want them too, because usually I underestimate how things will work out. But I will say I have always had an up hill climb, with the best support system, but it's always been tough for me. I was forced into a really harsh reality very early on that my brain is a little more... mature in it's thinking. I've been faced with a lot of turmoil, (it's okay... just the circle of life) but non the less, those events have rushed the specialness naive reactions of a child, to be gone since I can remember.


So here I am, almost 22, and I hear about people stepping into real world adult life (for their first time) and then they go "It's just NOT how I expected it to be." I want to laugh! What did you THINK it was going to be? What did you expect adult situations to be like? It's not like an episode of friends where things work out for the audience to "aw" at the end. Yes, life always does work out, but some times it definitely goes in the opposite way you "planned" it to be.


I guess this is why I get a little weary at the site of people wanting to rush the process. The process of marriage, and families, the process of in-laws, and finding your own health insurance etc. All the power to the people who have the means to actually get involved in such adult acts, I honestly wish that was where I was at, but I don't understand the mind set of not expecting everything to be rainbows and butterflies when I am there. I think people underestimate the WORK it takes to get married, not just with your partner, but with that persons family, and your family, and the ups and downs life promises you from day one.

This statement has been around me with people entering schools, or new jobs, not just new relationships, but I guess my mind has been built to be a little more expectant on the ups and downs of life. I just wish people would stop expecting things, and just let things flow.

Disease

When the disease I have seeps back in my head, I got out in the middle of the night and felt the bitter cold on my cheeks. I used to make a habit out of it, every night I would sneak outside go to this over looking bench of my home town and sit. I would sit for hours, numb, feeling nothing in my mind, nothing in my heart, and the only thing that I felt okay being numb were my fingers and toes. I didn't shiver, I didn't bundle up, I would hope I would fall asleep in the cold, and not wake up. But it never happened, so thus I would sneak back out and go to that bench.


Today I found myself sitting in the cold, with the wind on my cheeks, and I closed my eyes.


I just am so tired.

Rushing.

The wind is picking up lately. I don't approve. No one is happy standing still, and I am a little confused why people don't enjoy where they are currently, it's always planning ahead, and no one is  content with what's going on today, just looking forward to what's going on tomorrow.  I can't quite understand it. What if tomorrow ISN'T better than today, and then today is yesterday by then? 

I am all about people making those next steps to what they want in life, but why do people pressure those around them to be where they are? I am so tired of people wanting to share their wants and make them mine, but I am at my goal. My end goal has always been happy, and I am. 

No need to look forward when my happy is next to me when I wake up.

Roughin' it Ranch Style

Well, my dear Matthew finally got me up to the family ranch this last weekend. We have tried a few times since we have started seeing each other, and it just kept not working out. When he talked about this place, it was like the magical place I'll never actually see with my own eyes. We were driving and driving, and the farther we got up there, he started to turn into this old cowboy, an 18 year old who was excited to see his long lost friend, and a historian all in one. He was so giddy when we pulled up, and I was breathless. I got out of the truck, and it was silent. The silence was deafening. I looked all around and there was nothing but the sound of snow melt, and my heart pounding. We went up to close up the ranch with his Aunt and Uncle. It was such a treat to get to know them. Without internet, television, and cell service, there isn't anything you can do but chat, eat and drink, which we certainly did. He has such special people who care so much about him, I wish he could see what I see, but I will do my best making it known to him.

I could tell you all the details that I will cherish about this trip forever, but I am going to keep a few so people will actually ask about the trip. All I know is I fall more in love with this man every time I see different parts of him. And I am so thankful for this weekend that he took me along for, because it was much needed, and I feel much more grounded after this weekend with him.  



PS. that picture of him looking at me, MELTS MY HEART!

XO

Loving Lauren

This is a hodgepodge entry of a lot of my thoughts from my personal journal that I’ve been writing in the last year about my best friend. 

I have been tossing with the fact that, in your twenties apparently is the time for people to change the most. Their hair, their boyfriend/girlfriends, their home, their future jobs, their sense of style and taste in music. Everything changes, and nothing really sticks. Friendships come and go in waves. Mainly not being that they are bad, just for the fact that was all you could learn from those people. I moved away to a little town for college about four hours away from anything I’d ever known. I moved away from my parents, my brothers, my dog, and it was hard, but I was ready to go be on my own. Since day one of getting here and watching my parents drive away, I was in search of my “new best friend”.  You instantly want someone you can hang out with and joke with and talk about the latest Grey’s episode and how INSANE it was. But among the people I moved away from, was my best friend. Lauren is one of the most adorable people I know. Never puts herself first, ever.  Has shockingly badass taste in music compared to her sweet natured presence. She is the toughest person I know and I admire her in so many ways. She challenges me to stick up for myself, tells me the truth when I don’t want to hear it, and always listens. When I moved out here, I figured I would find someone to numb the pain of not having her around, and I have. Every girlfriend I have met in this town, are all good hearted, and have special places in my heart, but none of them really know me. Lauren knows when I am lying about being “okay” and she knows that sometimes you need a target and Starbucks fix, just so you can get something’s off your chest, not to shop. The way she loves people, her work, her family, and her passions is inspiring. She has every reason to guard her heart so closely, yet, she craves adventure. She is never shy about sticking up for herself, or me. 

I guess what I have come to realize, is that there isn't going to be new best friend here where I am, not like Lauren. I have found a good about of men that I confide in and look to when I am needing anything. I am thankful for these friends. They have helped me grow and achieve better confidence. But finding another person in this world like my Lizzy, it's just not going to happen. 

No more pressure on people I meet, no more pressure on myself to find someone to fill my Lauren void. I need to find contentment with those who I adore around me, and keep loving Lauren, and making sure she knows how special she is, as best as I can.

(Isn't she stunning?)

I wish I could just be this way.

Talking to Strangers

Since the time any tiny human can walk, they are lectured repeatedly, " Do not talk to any strangers." Right? (I remember the first time I walked home from school by myself, and thinking sub-consciously to not even make eye contact with someone I didn't know for fear of a white van magically appearing and the thought of a lost puppy would lour me into that van... thanks Mom).  For the longest time I would be perplexed by strangers just saying "hello", or "how are you" when I would walk past them. As a teenager I would be embarrassed when my parents would just start up a conversation with a random person as if they were family. It is so funny to me now, because I am that person now. Who will crack a random joke, (even though it takes a very special person to understand my humor) I will start talking to them about their children, their dogs, their jobs, their lifestyle. As I have grown older I have realized most of my best friends, mentors, now, were at some point, strangers.


For example, my true soul mate, Lauren, (BFF since 1993) was just another girl at the day care I went to. When kids are in a class room full of little humans, who ARE strangers, they just become friends. They don't ask how old each other are, how much money their parents make, what color their bicycle is, they just start to play. They start to share, and they go into that friendship, with no judgements. They don't know, and don't care to know if Johnny pushed Susie on the play ground yesterday, they just know Johnny as the kid who shared his fruit snacks. I have tried to emulate this into my lifestyle, because a few things.

One: Everyone has a story, more than the story you think you know. I have been slammed with this fact over and over right to the face so many times in the last few years. I do what normal humans do, which is JUDGE. I think, "Oh, they must be this way, because of that." And thankfully I have been proven wrong every single time.

Two: That story that you didn't know about that person? Has a right to be heard. Everyone's story is unique, important, and most of all, not yours to tell.

Chances are what has made my life continue. Chances on dreams. Chances on people. Chances on adventures. Chances.

I gave a chance on a heavy eyed, 6'6, long haired, bearded man about 6 months ago. He was a complete stranger when he told me Happy Birthday. He was a complete stranger when we went to go get drinks and go dancing. He was a stranger when I invited him over to make cupcakes. This stranger was a stranger to my memories, but a familiar story to my future. He intrigued me, he made me feel more comfortable to be myself than anyone's ever made me feel.

He started out as someone who didn't share his heart openly, only through music. We became friends fast, we giggled so much, I felt this kinship with him because we didn't share how we were feeling openly, only through the albums we were feeling spoke the words better than we could. Finally I found someone who has just as big as walls that I had. Had been hurt, was stubborn, was very independent, but terrified of being alone, but all in different ways than I was. This man became my best friend, and then as walls fell, we became an unit.  The last 6 months have been hard, we have experienced death, new jobs, family issues, old wounds, and new wounds. He loves the Lord, his family, and now, me. But the thing about this stranger I met 6 months ago, is he is worth fighting for, and sometimes worth fighting with. All I know is I need this man in my life, and I sure hope he is there for awhile.

Most days...

Most days I just want to chop all my hair off, basically to look like the one and only, Norah Jones. It might be my next ode to being a bad ass that I'll never be able to achieve.
 
But then I realize cutting my hair won't give me her skills and I stick to youtubing the crap out of her lovey performances.



Happy Tuesday.


http://youtu.be/2IrWoKOLjQI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CWUA8H01UI&feature=youtu.be



Makes my heart happy.

Morning Doves

Life is rich, confusing, difficult, but in the midst of life at its finest, the sound of morning doves remind me of when I use to breath in the air and I believed it was pure, when I would look up to the sun, close my eyes and let the warmth of something so far away fill my soul, and most of all it was when I believed that people only have good intentions.


A lot has changed from those days in my life and one of the things I miss most about when I was younger was when I didn't know morning doves, and pigeons are the same bird...

End

All songs come to an end.

All books, all seasons, all dreams.

End.

But my question is when does it all start?

Awful preface.

You know when a really good song comes on; your mind gets lost in itself, you get in a groove. And then it comes to an end.

I feel like life has been like that of recent.. That chapter of your life feels like that moment you hear a good song. You want to keep listening and hit repeat a bunch... But then that chapter of life comes to a stop.

The best part is knowing another good song is soon to follow, but life can be so painful in those in between moments of stillness.

That's where I am in life right now. Everything's going well, and will go well, but I'm in an awful preface. I'm awaiting the next exciting thing to happen, and it feels like it will never come.

Maybe it won't.

Be Here

Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

My life of recent, in pictures.

My Heart.

I feel it being successful at it's main purpose; keeping me alive. There's moments I find myself in the midst of chaos stopping to listen.

I remember I'm working. I remember everything is okay.

How many times to people in this lifetime confess to their heart being broken? Maybe it's not our hearts that's broken, maybe it's our hopes. Maybe it's actually the embarrassment of the hopes we once had. Maybe it's the fact we now have better hopes for ourselves.

Maybe that's why our hearts pump so fearlessly; because maybe our hearts did break, but they never stopped.