Worth.

I just wrote an explanation of why I haven't been writing, which has to do with myself being sick, and explaining how with illness, comes medications, which then comes with side effects of medications...but I decided to press delete. I don't owe anyone an explanation of why I've been where I have been the last year even though I feel like I owe everyone that. I didn't write because I didn't know what to say, or when I did, I was too numb to move, or even think of the words.


I am on my way to being better, trying to have only positive people in my life, positive things, positive jobs, but most importantly a positive mind set.


I am so entirely thankful for my family as they have seen me in every color I can be, and still love me everyday. And then there is the man I wake up to in the morning. Gosh, if he wasn't an answered prayer, I wouldn't know what would be. He is my rock, he is the master of forgiving, he is never bitter, and always thinks I'm beautiful. We fight, we laugh, we cry, but my favorite thing is that we grow. We are always growing, we are always learning, and I couldn't want or need more from a relationship.


Now for the use of my camera in the past few months has been on a decline. But I'm getting into the groove, wishing I was a blog superstar and had a pretty blog layout and fun things to write about but the realness of the situation is I am a struggling college student with one more year to go, a young woman with a mild panic disorder (or a control freak you tell me), and an aspiring person who just wants to be back in control of my health, my happiness, and the love I allow myself to receive.


I have been meeting with this woman a professor recommended me to who use to suffer from crippling anxiety. Her name is Bibbe, and the moment we met, her cute bangs, her dark reading glasses that shift on her face as she moves, and her long red fingernails, I knew we would be life friends and there is a reason for our souls meeting.

We met over Skype, which is such a strange concept for me to grasp, but we talked for almost 2 hours our first talk and I mentioned something, and she reached out to give me a 'hug' and it was the first time I really just felt like someone got it, they understood the fact I don't like the way I feel so I hold myself back so I don't push myself too hard, and when I am around too many people for awhile, I need days to recoup.  I want to share what I have been learning with her, and what I will learn with her, to mainly I have a place to have it all, but secondly so maybe if someone ends up reading this out of fait, they will feel like I get it, I understand.


The first thing I learned I that I have total control, I can decide to make my breathing go back to a normal speed, or let go of the "what ifs" or "how it was supposed to be" but the most important thing she told me is that I am worth it. I am worth being happy, and free of this weird road block in my brain.

Worth. I am on the road to feeling like I am worthy.




P.S. This is a shot of Bibbe. She is fabulous.