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Finally this semester is done and over with. Thanks goodness! It was one of the hardest I have gone through, but also one of the best.I am not going to waist anyone's time with me complaining.
So to you and yours close, Happy Winter Break!
~~~
I am excited to be home and not be sleeping in a twin sized bed for a few weeks. I am most excited to have a kitchen to make anything I want with my Mom's endless supplies of ingredients in the pantry. My house looks like Martha Stewart threw up all over the place...in the classiest way possible. I will have to admit, I am 100% one of those people who have Christmas lights up all year long, and during the Christmas season, I put even more up. Today I spent the day with my brother, who might as well be my twin. I am so happy he is in my life, and I really do not know what I would do with out him in my family.

Then to embrace of the feeling of living in a Martha Stewart magazine I decided to make my personal favorite holiday season cookies.. I am guilty of making these all year long, but they are in the winter section of my Mom's cook book. They are just chocolate cookies with a little powdered sugar on top. It is a pretty simple cookie recipe, but you can dress them up but making them into different shapes. Usually I make them into crescent shapes, but I was feeling the round shape today. I'm going to share the recipe because they are THAT good. Let me know if you try these out and how they work out for you! Enjoy!

Directions
-Preheat oven to 325 F.
-In a small bowl combine flour and coca. Mix well with a wire whisk and set aside.
-In a medium bowl cream butter and sugar with an electric mixer on medium speed. Add vanilla and egg and beat until light and smooth. Scrape down sides of bowl, then add flour and cocoa mixture. Bend on low speed until fully incorporated. The dough will be dry and crumbly.
*This is where you can get creative, I just made mine into cookie rounds with about a tablespoon of dough*
-Place on ungreased baking sheets, 1 inch apart. Bake for about 15-17 minutes, or until the outside of the cookie is hard but the center is still soft.
-Cool on pan for 2-3 minutes, then transfer to a flat surface to cool for a few minutes more. While still warm, roll the cookies in confectioner;s sugar until you are content.

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups of all purpose flour
1/3 cup of cocoa powder, unsweetened
1/2 cup of salted butter, softened
1 cup white sugar
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
1 large egg
1/2 cup confectioners' sugar

This Weekend

This weekend I put all my feelings on a piece of paper and let them burn with a good group of friends around me... boy did that feel good.

My People

I feel like finding people that you feel like you connect with 100% is a really hard thing for everyone. I never really have a hard time connecting with people, I seem to always find something to talk to with people and I can always connect with someone on some level; I have a hard time finding people who I feel like I don't have to force conversation. A week ago my aunt and I were talking about how finding 'your people' is one of the best parts of growing up.

I have only had 2 best friends my whole life that have stuck through, one of which has been in my life since I was 18 months old. Since I got to college I could never find that group of people where I felt like I was completely who I am. I think like many college kids, I have found lots of groups that I could fit in and hang out with in college but honestly, I always felt like I wasn't ever truly myself.

Finding my people has been one of the best parts of this first semester of my sophomore year of college. I felt like it was something that was completely out of reach last year, and to be honest I came close to giving up a few times. Even though this semester has been one of the hardest semesters of my life because I am facing a lot of challenges, but I can honestly say I am happy with how things are going.

That is because of my people.

Thanksgiving

My Grandpa carving the Turkey and Grandma is taking pictures.

Thanksgiving has never been a holiday that I have loved all my life. I am one of the pickiest eaters and I can never seem to get full on Thanksgiving. Even though Thanksgiving's food doesn't fancy me, my family sure does. I love getting quality time to learn about family that doesn't live in town. I spent the Friday morning after the holiday with my Aunt. She is an amazing women, and boy is she easy to talk to. I am so so lucky to have her input and opinions but most importantly someone to connect with, and feel like they understand.

After my morning with my Aunt I went on a venture to lunch and then down town with my lovely cousins from Chicago. It's when I got a few hours alone with these girls I really realized how grown up they are all of a sudden. I could not imagine being more proud of the young women these two turned into and am so happy to have a little adventure downtown exploring and finding out who they are as young adults.

MARATHON by Tennis

My brother Billy, is very good at telling me about new music.
Today he sent me a new band to check out and I wanted to share!
This band named Tennis, is from the Denver area which is totally cool.
He knows me too well.. I am loving this new band.

p.s. I am checking out their other stuff...
So far so good, but this song is by far the catchiest.

I love my residents!

I am an RA this semester and I have this nifty white board outside my door and my creative residents always leave me funny or sweet messages for me to discover.
I love this Optimus Prime quote and drawing!

I'm proud of Myself

I am proud of myself.

With that said, I will explain why... for the first time in my whole life, I feel like I can tackle anything I want to. I lived on my own away from home for the first time last year not knowing anyone, last summer I stayed in a new town while working my way through it, I took a residence assistant job that kind of fell into my lap, I quit one job, then started another job that seems to fit me perfectly, and then started the hardest semester I have ever gone through; all with being happy. I am learning to play guitar (my boyfriend wouldn't say learning, he would tell me that I already learned and I just play guitar now), I am painting like I use to, taking pictures again, meeting new people that I adore, and most importantly taking care of myself.

I haven't always been the happiest person, I use to struggle with depression and anxiety pretty greatly. I use to go through the motions of life by putting a fake smile on, and let me tell you, it was exhausting. Can you imagine feeling empty inside, but not having the strength to let anyone know, so therefore every encounter you faced was completely fake? It sucked, but this isn't a pity party writing, and I am 100% okay with who I use to be, and who I am now.

That dark time has come and gone in my life, and this is the first time that I am actually experiencing my adult life, completely happy. In my opinion, surrounding ones' self with positive people, is not the easiest thing. This year I successfully surrounded myself with a group of people who give me the strength to be myself. I am smelling, seeing, tasting, more and better than I can ever remember. I am laughing from my belly which by the way, I think no one should ever take for granted, it is the best feeling ever!

Izzy is a 5 year old Border Collie who I came to know when she was 6 months old, and I was 15. When Izzy and I crossed paths, we were both broken. Izzy came from an abusive past and at the same time is when I was going through my depression spell. My therapist at the time recommended I got something to take care of, and invest my time in. She told my parents that she thought the best way to keep me from committing suicide was to make me have something that I would feel guilty leaving. Being depressed doesn't mean had that 5 year old dream of getting a puppy just goes away! This was the perfect excuse to act on that dream. When we went looking for this puppy, I walked passed Izzy a few times and finally my Mom told me to check out this dog that actually wasn't in a cage, she was in one of the volunteer's lap. She had these awful pink bows in her fur and she look petrified of every human being that walked by. When I approached Izzy, I talked to her for a little and then got her to walk around with me, which apparently had never happened and the volunteer was amazed. But something also happened that had not happened in a long time. I was really sick and had not felt that feeling of warm fuzzy in a long time. When Izzy and I connected eyes, I swear, as corny as it sounds, we made a pact to never let one behind.

Long story short, I got Izzy, and she got me. We both grew to be strong and more confident and grew to be the 'people' we were supposed to. She is my best friend, and she saved my life. We went on adventures and tested each other everyday. She knows when something is off with me. Now that I am in college it's hard not to have her following me around, I honestly think it is the hardest part of being in college. So when I go home I spend every moment I can to get my dose of Izzy and Macky time.

A funny thing happened the other day when I was home visiting on fall break. I went on a walk at a trail that I use to go on with my dog before I went off to school. I use to never let her off leash because I was scared something would happen like her running off, but this time I did. As I held the leash in my hands, Izzy looked up at me and shook her back to realized I freed her. She waited for me to make the first move and we all began to walk along the river. I looked ahead to the path and noticed the river presented a perfect path of rocks peeking above the water that would lead us to the other side of the river. Izzy stood at the edge of the river, only a jump away from the first top of a rock and turned to look at me. I got a sudden breath of confidence, I leaped to the rock only to find that my shadow with four paws was right behind me. Now we were both on the same rock with water rushing past us and so we continued to leap from each rock together until we both were on the other side of the river. To anyone who would of witnessed this happening, it would of been a small feat, but to me and my pal, we came over this big awful fear of the 'what if'. She was fearless, and here I was always warning people she was timid, but in reality, I was the timid one. When I was walking back with my pup to the car I realized something. I am the one who holds myself back, like how I was holding Izzy back all the other times we went on that trail. And I should never do either of those things, hold Izzy back, or myself. I can do literally anything I want to, like make it to the other side of the river.

Anywho, with all the rambling of my crazy brain, I am proud of myself. With the extreme patience of those I love, my dog Izzy, and the determination from myself to get well, and be happy, I can finally say I am!

I am going to go play guitar, make nachos with lots of jalapenos, listen to Mumford and Sons as loud as I can before quiet hours so my fellow RA's don't get mad at me, enjoy my time with the girls on my floor and my friends tonight before I will rest my head for another night of sleep... all with the sense of being proud of myself for being one thing...

Happy.

"YOU, YOURSELF, AS MUCH AS ANYBODY IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, DESERVE YOUR LOVE AND AFFECTION."
BUDDHA

One Berry, Two Berry

The reason for this blog is because I feel like my brain is about to explode. I have journals upon journals, and I can never keep up with them. I feel like this is something I will not share with people right away, but maybe one day I will let people inside of my brain.

I picked the title 'One Berry, Two Berry', because it was one of, if not, my all time favorite story to be read to by my Dad. He would always read it aloud in a special way and if I ever bring up this children's book, he will start reciting the words, perfectly. (I can guarantee that he still knows all of the words and exactly how to say them.) Now that I have grown from that little girl, I always find myself thinking back to this book; it's like comfort food, but in book form.

When I'm stressed or can't sleep, I will play the voice of my Dad reading this book to me. It puts me into instant relaxation. In a way, this book, which is called Jamberry, makes me take a few breaths as if I am that 5 year old child again, remembering that place where I can just be who I am without a care in the world. When I replay my Dad reading this book to me, I go back in that safe place where I felt as if I could conquer the world; I strive for that feeling a lot now as a person who now has that world to conquer.

And today, when I couldn't think of a name for this journal of sorts, I thought of the children's book Jamberry. As I do most days when I need to take a minute to regain my confidence, I remembered... One Berry, Two Berry.